Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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