I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
