my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
She's the barista slut.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
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Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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