i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
