I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
