Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
