Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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