Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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