it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
