I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
