Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
