I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
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I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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