just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
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Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
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Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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