I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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