we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
