I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
