genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize