Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
