WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
