I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Drunk is not a location!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
