the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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