I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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