Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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