Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
handjob tips. give me some.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
