his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
