you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
