I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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