If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
