You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
