My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
