ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
