i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
