the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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