i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Swine flu is the new snow day.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
