No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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