and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
