just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
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He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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