Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
