right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
