I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
