I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
