I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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