ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
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Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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