At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i think i have two assholes
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
