You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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