I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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