my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
