I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
