It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
