woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
