can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
