Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
