wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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