ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
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your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
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Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize