just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
