I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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