I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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