i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
